If I were Candace
by NevilleCanKickMattLewis'Butt
Summary: Did you see the episode where they make her the best phone ever in half an hour? Not fair. And did she even thank them? This isn't a very good story, I admit, but I just have to write it. What I would do if I were Candace?
1. Rollercoaster

A/N: I have only one nice little brother (I have two little brothers, but one of them is rude and annoying). No girls like him that I know of (I have a thing about my younger siblings and the opposite sex. I want them to fall in love and date and get married and have lots of little nieces and nephews for me to spoil). He has limits on his imagination. Sometimes he's rude or selfish. And, much as he'd be willing, he certainly could never create the greatest cell phone ever in about half an hour. But I'm thankful for my lot in life. This less-than-perfect brother often makes my day just by being himself, because I love him to pieces. My other siblings are all pretty irritating, but I'm still glad to have them around. And what does Candace, with her loving parents, adorable boyfriend, TWO absolutely AMAZING brothers, and a PET PLATYPUS do? That's right. COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN.

This may not be a very good story, but it's my little appeal to fate, saying, "Hey! If I had Candace's life, this is what I would do! Look how deserving I am!" Any moment now, my brother will build something life-changing-ly awesome.

*watches* Okay, he's reading a comic book now… he'll lose interest any second… okay, he's turning the page. COME ON, INSPIRATION! STRIKE HIM!

While I'm waiting, why don't you go ahead and start reading my story?

\^0^/

I inhale deeply. There's a nice feeling in the air: the feeling that school is finally out. I love summer. I'm wearing my signature outfit: white sneakers, cutoff shorts, and a purple T-shirt. My bright orange hair is in a messy ponytail with a thick purple headband (without it, my hair sticks up retardedly in the front). Mom just left, and I'm in charge on the condition that a satellite falls out of orbit and crashes into the house.

I run to the backyard. "Mom says I'm in charge conditionally!" I yell in a sing-song voice.

"Whatever, Candace," says Phineas. He's used to my craziness by now. He and Ferb are working on blueprints of some sort. Phineas is drawing a diagram, and Ferb is measuring something with a tool thing. It looks very technical.

"Wait, WHAT are you doing?" I ask in interest.

"Homework," says Phineas.

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, right. Fifth graders don't get summer homework. At least not when I was in fifth grade. And I know you aren't learning to use those angley-things in school." I point to the object Ferb is holding. He blinks at me.

I kneel in the grass next to Phineas' desk. "Are these plans for a… rollercoaster?" I ask. Then something occurs to me. "Hey! Where'd you get the swivel chairs!"

Before Phineas can answer, I hear a noise from inside. "Hold that thought," I tell him. "The phone's ringing."

I run inside and pick up the phone. "Hello? Oh, hi, Stacy!" Stacy and I have been friends since we were little. With my randomness and love of reading and her interest in boys and fashion, we sort of balance each other out.

"…The mall? Sounds cool, but I might want to stay at home right now. You see, my brothers, they have these weird blueprints that they're making, I kind of want to see where it goes. Besides, my mom left me in charge. You know, conditionally. But if you go, check to see if that new book that I wanted is out… yeah, that one… I know! Anyway, get me a copy if you see it…. I told you, I really want to see what my brothers are doing…. They always do the weirdest-" There's a loud roar from outside. "WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN!" I yell. "No not you Stacy….. What are they doing? I haven't checked for about five minutes, why? …You can see it from your house? I'll call you back. Maybe. Auf Wiedersehen!

I run outside, and let out a loud gasp. "Phineas, what is this?"

"Do you like it?" he asks.

"I – it's amazing! How did you get this up in just five minutes! Is… is this a rollercoaster? Oh my gosh, you GUYS," I start ranting. "This is CRAZY. Mom would be so MAD if she saw you up there. You could DIE! But don't worry, I won't tell her," I add sweetly. I decide that I don't want to miss this. I sit down on the grass and watch.

The latch on the gate clicks, and in walks the girl from across the street, Isabella. I smile to myself.

"Hey, Phineas, watcha doin?" she asks.

"Hey, Isabella. We're building a rollercoaster."

"I KNEW IT!" I cheer. They ignore me.

"In your backyard? Isabella asks.

"Some of it."

"Wow. Isn't that kind of impossible."

"Some might say."

That's what I love about my brothers. Nothing is impossible. What a great outlook to have.

Soon, Isabella leaves. As does Perry, apparently, because the next thing I know, Phineas asks, "Hey, where's Perry?"

I want to help with the rollercoaster, but walking out on the steadily climbing track is the last thing I want to do, so I just watch. I should be worrying about my brothers falling, but meh, I guess I'm just a bad person. After a while I run in to fetch a book to and read in the sunshine as my brothers construct.

When I look up from my book, the coaster is finished, and kids from all over the neighborhood are lined up. My jaw drops. That ride looks AWESOME.

"Phineas!" I yell, jumping up. "I have to ride that! Please let me ride on your rollercoaster! I'm in charge! Conditionally! And I'm your !"

"Sure, Candace," says Phineas. "I was just about to offer you a ride. You are our sister, after all."

I pull his triangular head into a hug. "Who's one of my two favorite brothers?" I exclaim.

"Candace, I have to introduce the rollercoaster now. Please release me," comes Phineas' muffled voice.

"Sure thing, Phinorito!" I agree, letting go of him and skipping off to join the throng. (Phinorito is my nickname for him. It's short for "Phineas, the boy who's head is shaped like a Dorito chip".)

"Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages!" says Phineas when he's up on the stage, "May I present to you a spectacle most of the morning in the making: The COOLEST! COASTER! EVER!"

I gape along with the neighborhood children when the ride is unveiled, and cry out when a bird flies into the first drop.

I sit behind Phineas in the rollercoaster car, feeling very apprehensive. It doesn't help when he asks, "You all signed the waivers, right?" The thought strikes me: _I'm riding a rollercoaster built by a couple of ten-year-olds!_

I scream bloody murder for the first thirty seconds of the ride. When we stop temporarily after going through the car wash I give a couple dry sobs of terror before we start back up at breakneck speed. "PHINEAS! WHAT CHANCE DO WE HAVE OF SURVIVING THIS?" I screech.

"Woohooooo! YEAH!" Phineas cheers.

A minute later, Perry the Platypus randomly lands in my lap. "Oh, there you are, Perry!" says Phineas.

I hug the semi-aquatic mammal to my chest. "We're going to die, Perry!" I wail.

Suddenly, we veer off the track, are launched into the air, spin around… "Funny, I don't remember this in the blueprints," says Phineas.

I'm too scared to scream. We're hanging off the tail of an airplane. How can Phineas stay so calm? I find my voice again and screech in terror.

We fall off the plane and I'm sure we're going to die. We fly around the world, ricocheting off of various landmarks.

We zoom up to a Mr. Slushie Burger. "Anyone want fries?" asks Phineas. Then, somehow, we end up at a food stand in Paris. "Anyone want a _croissant_?" Phineas asks, imitating the man's accent. It makes me giggle. Impending doom makes everything seem funnier. We fly up into space and the car catches fire as we reenter the atmosphere. I cry. I scream. We land in the backyard tree, unharmed.

I fall onto the grass and I start to laugh. "That – was – great!" I choke. "Let's do that again!"

"Sorry," says Phineas. "Only one ride per customer.

We hear mom's car in the driveway. "Quick!" I say. "We have to get everyone out of here before mom sees and finds out what you were up to!"

The neighborhood kids climb down from the tree and leave, talking and laughing. Isabella stops to flirtatiously compliment Phineas on his rollercoaster. I smile to myself again.

A few seconds after Isabella leaves, Mom peeks into the backyard. "Did everything go well?"

I give her a thumbs-up. "Just a perfectly ordinary summer morning," I say with a grin.

I love my brothers.


	2. Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Terror

Mom is at, like, the spa or something. Dad is cleaning out the basement. Phineas and Ferb are doing something lame in the sandbox. And I'm sitting in front of the fan, listening to an audio book, eating ice cubes and feeling just a little bit dead. It's the hottest day of the summer, and all I really want to do is go swimming or something. But no, we can't just pack up and go to the beach just because it's hot out, says mom. Why not?

My audio book is lame. The fan is weak. Our ice cubes are an ungainly shape for eating. Grumbling, I march outside to see what Phineas and Ferb are doing.

The boys are standing next to a sandbox full of damp sand. Some of their friends – girls, I notice with inward grin – are there. "Welcome to our beach," says Phineas.

I raise an eyebrow at the sandbox. "THAT's your beach?" I ask incredulously.

"No," says Phineas as Ferb presses a button on a remote. "This is."

The fence lowers to reveal an expanse of white sand and an endless ocean. "Wha- bu-" I stutter. "This doesn't even make sense!" I shrug. "Oh well. I'm going to get my swimsuit!"

We end up having a fantastic beach party. The entire neighborhood is there, and when Phineas wins the surfing contest, I cheer the loudest.

Suddenly, a volcano appears and starts spouting land gnomes. "This is even randomer than when your rollercoaster went to space!" I yell. "I'm going inside!"

Inside, I watch from the window until the lawn gnomes stop raining down. Once it seems safe, I hurry back outside, only to find that all the water is gone.

Ah, well. It was fun while it lasted. As the fence begins lifting to the upright position, everyone is cheering my brothers' names. "I'm their sister!" I yell to the crowd. "I inspire them to create! I'm a role model!"

The fence clicks into place.

"Well, I'm going to take a shower," I say. I pat my brothers' heads. "Nice beach, guys. It was fun."


	3. Flop Starz

"Maybe you have what it takes to be the Next Super American Pop Teen Idol Star!" the TV announcer cries. "Auditions today at the Googolplex Mall in beautiful downtown Danville!"

"What!" I screech, racing into the kitchen. "Today?" I've always been into music and singing, and this sounds like a great opportunity to show off my talents. Of course I don't expect to win, but life is all about striving for your best and reaching outside your comfort zone. I want to try out.

"Yes! Today!" the announcer continues. "At 2:00 sharp!"

"I gotta call Stacy!" I yell, running out of the kitchen.

A few minutes later, Stacy is with me in my bedroom. "What am I going to sing?" I ask frantically.

"Hel-lo! What are you going to wear?"

I roll my eyes. "Because that's so important. Now, what am I going to SING?"

"Candace," Stacy insists, "Your outfit is half the battle."

"I'd like to think the judges would judge me based on my musical talent, not what I'm wearing. I think I have a book of pop music somewhere. Are you going to help or not?"

Stacy sighs. "Okay, okay. But don't come crying to me when you're rejected for looking like a ragamuffin.

"Nice word choice," I compliment her. "But I do NOT look like a ragamuffin."

We select a song within a half an hour and I spend the rest of the morning practicing. At 1:30, we get my mom to drive us to the mall.

I hurry to where they're holding the auditions, and stop short. The line is already huge and it's starting to dawn on me what I'm getting into.

"I can't do this," I whimper.

"Sure you can," Stacy encourages me.

"Fine, fine." I don't need another one of Stacy's weird pep talks.

"Hi, guys." It's Jeremy Johnson, a kid from school.

"Oh, hi," I say politely. "Umm… are you auditioning, too?"

"Nah, I came to see this hot new band called PFT. I downloaded their song this morning. It's _tight_."

Tight? Really? I'm beginning to lose interest. But then he says something a bit more intriguing.

"The hundredth contestant gets to sing on stage with the band!"

"Really? Huh." I turn away from him and go through the turnstiles. Suddenly, lights begin to flash and a bell goes off.

"Congratulations!" says the guy from TV. "You're the hundredth contestant!"

He pulls me off to the stage and introduces me to the crowd. My heart hammers in my chest. For the third day in a row, I think I'm going to die, this time not from a fiery crash or from heat but from fear alone. All I can think is, _So much for that song I practiced this morning._

"And now," says the announcer, "the band you've been waiting for… Phineas and the Ferb-Tones!"

I spin around. Behind me, the curtain lifts to reveal my own little brothers. "Phineas!" I hiss. "You started a band? And didn't tell me?"

"Candace? You're the hundredth contestant? How serendipitous! This will be like a brother-sister thing! Now, I'm assuming you've heard our single, I mean, who hasn't, right? So here are the words, but don't worry if you get lost; the lyrics are meaningless anyway. I'll point when it's your turn." Phineas hands me the music and walks away."

I shake my head, at loss for words. But I decide to go with it. It's actually kind of comforting to have my brothers on the stage with me. I'm ready.

The band starts singing. Out of the blue, Phineas cues me. I fumble with my music and start singing hesitantly.

_Wait a minute!_ I think. _Phineas and Ferb started a whole band. I pretty much have no chance of outdoing them. But life is about trying and reaching outside of your comfort zone, and by golly, if my baby brothers can sing in front of hundreds of people, then so can I!_ I sing with more confidence. The music is simple, and I'm in the zone.

After the song, I follow Phineas and Ferb backstage. "I still can't believe you have a BAND," I say. "I mean really. You guys are insane! But I'm pretty ticked off that you didn't invite me to join you."

"Sorry," says Phineas. "It just never occurred to us, and you were off getting ready for your audition."

"Oh, well, it would have been visually off putting anyway, since I'm twice the height of the rest of you," I concede.

Some producer guy is approaching my brothers, so I take that cue to leave. "I'll see you guys later," I tell them.

I hang around the mall for a while to find out who won. It's some guy with a blender. LAME. But on the plus side, after the winner is announced, Phineas and the Ferbtones come back on. Phineas invites me to sing with them again, and of course I comply. Phineas and I are a great singing team. This could become a thing for us!

Of course, right after the song is over, the band retires. Figures.

This doesn't mean Phineas is done with music, I'm sure. There will be times in the future when we have a chance sing together again. And I'll cherish every moment. My moment of fame is over, but my life will hardly be dull after this. It's summer, and I have the world's best brothers.

Hollywood doesn't sound like the place for me anyway.


	4. The Fast and the Phineas

A/N: Hang in there, guys! I have a GREAT idea for chapter 108! And a little tidbit for chapter 67.

Oh, and a blanket thank-you to all of you who reviewed, though your standards must be pretty low if you think this is good.

000000000

When I walk by the garage, I hear a lot of banging, sawing, and clanging. I know just who's behind it: Phineas and Ferb. It's not at all an unusual thing to hear, but I decide to check it out anyway, just so I can see what the boys are doing.

When I open the garage door, I almost scream. "What are you guys DOING?"

"Hi, Candace," says Phineas, bursting out from under the hood of the minivan. "We tricked out mom's car."

It looks just like a racecar, but in a roughly minivan shape. "Did you ASK mom if you could 'trick out' her car?" I demand.

"Well… no."

"You are going to be in so much trouble when mom sees this! What were you thinking?"

Phineas shrugs. "I'm sure mom won't mind."

I roll my eyes. Phineas can be so_ oblivious_ sometimes. But so far, all of the boys' creations have disappeared before Mom could see them, so I hope the same thing will happen here.

"Where is mom, anyway?" I ask.

"Playing bridge at Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro's."

That eases my mind a little.

Ferb shoves a huge engine into the car and stomps on it to make it fit into place. After he closes the hood, he gives Phineas a thumbs up.

"Looks like we're ready for a test run," says Phineas. He opens the garage and, using a remote control, steers the car out of the garage and onto the street.

"Um, Phineas?' I ask sweetly. "Isn't mom at Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro's?

"Yes."

"Which is across the street?"

"Yes."

"Across THIS street."

"Yes. What's your point, Candace?"

Phineas' voice plays in my head: "I'm sure mom won't mind."

I sigh. "Oh, never mind," I say. If he gets in trouble, that's his problem. I can just say I had no idea he did that. In which case I should probably not be present…

"Come get me when you're done testing it, okay Phinorito?" I say.

"Okay," says Phineas. _Submissive… obedient… he's everything a little brother should be,_ I think happily as I walk away.

I'm sitting at my desk typing Harry Potter fanfiction when I hear a knock at my bedroom door. "Hey, Candace," Phineas calls, "we're taking mom's car to race at the Swamp Oil 500. Wanna come?"

"Sure," I answer. I quickly save my document and run out the door.

We go to the track in mom's tricked out car, which, though completely wrong, is admittedly cool. "Isabella is bringing a pit crew," Phineas tells me on the way.

"Ooooooooooooh," I squeal.

"What?" says Phineas.

"Nothing," I answer. And it's the truth. My "oooh" made no sense, not even to me. Oh well. I guess I'm just crazy.

When we get there, Phineas and Ferb take the car out to the track, and make my way up the bleachers. When I get to a vantage point I like, I stop and lean over the railing. "Phineas!" I yell. "Phineas! I'm up here!" He doesn't respond. I guess I'm too far away.

"Hey, Candace!" I turn around. It's Jeremy Johnson. (Is he going to coincidentally show up every day?) "I didn't know you were a racing fan!"

"Oh. Uhhhh… Um, I'm not," I reply blankly. "I'm just here because my brothers entered. I know, they're a bit young to be racecar drivers, but… they're doing it anyway. Huh." I don't want to seem unfriendly, so I walk over and sit next to him.

"And in the third lane, the newcomers, Team Phineas!" booms the announcer. "Now is it just me, or does he look a little bit young to be behind the wheel of a 700 horse power racing machine?"

"Yes," says the other announcer. "Yes he does."

"And look!" the first guy exclaims. "He's already got his own screaming fans!" To my horror, a video of me pops up, leaning over the railing and calling out for my brothers attention.

I leap to my feet. I hate people taking pictures of me. "UNAUTHORIZED VIDEO!" I screech. "COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!" Of course, everyone ignores me.

"Candace, you're on the big screen!" Jeremy exclaims. I recall a passage from _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ which explains that earthlings are always making obvious statements like, "It's dark" or "You're very tall" or "Oh dear, you seem to have fallen down a fifty foot well, are you all right?" (I actually can't remember the exact depth of the well mentioned. Sometimes I think it's twenty. Sometimes I think it's forty.) This particular passage actually comes to my mind so often, and I mention it so frequently, that when I say "Oh dear, you seem to have fallen down a (insert number) foot well, are you all right?" those closest to me know what I mean. It's like my own, personal inside-jokey version of "Thank you, Captain Obvious."

"And your little brother's going to be on TV," Jeremy continues. My eyes grow wide. I can only hope, for my brothers' sakes, that Mom doesn't happen to come across this on the television.

The race starts, and soon I'm perched precariously on the edge of my seat. Turning left, and then turning left, and then turning left and then turning (wait for it) LEFT has never been so exciting.

Out of the blue, some guy walks up to me and takes my picture. I scream and reflexively cover my face, but it's too late. The man, whose hair is stupid and smile way to smiley, shows me the photograph he took. "Souvenir picture? Only a dollar," he says happily.

Jumping out of my seat, I grab the photo out of his hands. "NO ONE TAKES MY PICTURE WITHOUT PERMISSION!" I yell, tearing it into itty bitty little pieces.

After the shreds are sufficiently itty bitty, I sit back down in a huff. Jeremy looks vaguely frightened. I'm almost glad. I prefer people to be repelled by me for a good reason, not because I don't say anything to them, which is only because I have nothing worthwhile to say (sometimes it seems I have more in common with Ferb than with my biological brother).

The announcer yells out that Phineas is in the lead, yanking me out of my introspection. "Yeah!" I cheer. "Go Phineas!" Unfortunately, mom's car begins to slow down. But before I can moan in disappointment and scream out encouragements, the car picks up pace. A lot of pace. Soon Phineas has a big lead on everyone else.

Weirdly enough, Phineas' pit stop is my favorite part. Isabella's Fireside Girls troop go to work changing tires, refueling, and adding an adorable bow to the car, while Isabella flirts with Phineas. All this happens in about ten seconds. It's very exciting.

Suddenly, everything goes crazy on the racetrack. It starts with this blue car which swerves into a pole and knocks down a billboard. Everything escalates from there.

I'm suddenly very worried that Phineas might get hurt.

As always, my fears don't come true. Mom's car easily maneuvers around the billboard, along with other obstacles

"It's as if he can see the whole track at once!" The announcer marvels.

I look around overhead and finally see Ferb controlling the car from a really high place. I would freak out if I was up there. I'm not afraid of heights, but my lack of fear has its limits.

Cars shoot off the billboard and rain from the sky. Phineas finishes in first. Then a blimp crashes into the broadcasting tower. Excitingest. Repeated turning-of-left. Ever.

I run down the bleachers, stumbling and almost falling several times in my haste to congratulate the boys. But when I get to the field, I see a bazillion reporters with (shudder) cameras. I shrink back and simply give Phineas a thumbs-up from outside the ring of paparazzi.

I hear the sound of a car zooming behind me. I look around to see some random dude driving my brothers' racing car away. "I guess we're walking," says Phineas.

As soon as the reporters are done snapping photos, we set off for home. It feels like slow going to me. I want to walk fast, but Phineas can't go very fast carrying that giant trophy. Finally, with a frustrated grunt, I snatch the trophy from his arms and pick up the pace.

"Hey!" says Phineas.

"I want to get home!" I snap. "Every moment we waste walking is a moment we'll never get back!"

Phineas thinks about this for a minute. "I guess that makes sense," he finally concedes.

When we get home, the first thing I notice is the wide-open garage with no car in it. "Oh no, you guys!" I moan. "The car! How are we ever going to explain this to mom?"

"I know the perfect place to put this trophy!" Phineas says proudly, taking the cup from my hands. He goes inside. I follow him.

"You guys are _really_ going to get it," I tell him, "unless we can figure out a way to somehow… find the car… or replace it… are you even _listening_ to me?"

The front door opens. "I'm home!" Mom calls.

"Oh! Mom! Hi!" I say casually, leaning against to garage door. "How was bridge?"

Mom scrutinizes me. "Okay, what are you trying to hide?"

"Hide? Me? Nothing."

"Is it in the garage, Candace? Are you hiding something in the garage?"

"What? Noooooo. I mean, really Mom, I think you know me better than that. Shouldn't you be checking that, um, thing? No! Don't go in there!"

Mom opens the door. She gasps. "But- who did this?"

I hang my head, defeated. "Phineas and Ferb."

"You mean they-"

"Yeah."

"They washed my car?"

"Yes. Wait. No! I mean yes! What?" I look up, and there's mom's minivan, all shiny and new.

"It's beautiful!" she cries.

Phineas and Ferb come back down from their room, where they were stashing their trophy. "Hi, Mom!" Phineas greets.

"Hey boys! I saw what you did today!" Mom gushes.

"Did you like it?"

"I _loved_ it. Now who wants some snacks?"

"Bu- bu- bu-" I stutter, blinking rapidly and the minivan apparition. "But…"

"Honey, close your mouth," Mom tells me.

I close my eyes and rest my forehead on the wall. I open my eyes and look up. The car is still there, shiny as ever.

I slowly shut the garage door and go to the kitchen for snacks.


	5. Lights, Candace, Action

Sorry it took me so long to update! I had, um, finals week… finals month? Point is, I'm back now, and my goal is weekly updates *will fail miserably*

Now for some comment responses:

Gabby – O.o While I will freely admit that a fascination with incest is perfectly normal (I… guess?), I personally avoid incredibly disgusting pairings. I hope you'll understand.

Everyone else – Okay! Okay! My story is good! I admit it! You can stop punishing me with your words!

So, without further ado, I present: If I Were Candace: Lights, Candace, Action. This one centers around Candace, so it's going to be a long one. Enjoy!

\^0^/

One arm hangs over the head of my bed. The other rests on my copy of _Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince_, which I am currently reading. My left leg is propped up against my bedroom wall. My right foot dangles off the edge of my bed, absentmindedly toe-ing the tangled bedspread hanging next to it. My chin rests on the hand that is not on the other side of the cold metal frame in front of me. I am extremely comfortable.

Crash. Crash. "ROAR!" "Noooooooo!"

Phineas and Ferb.

With a sigh, I untangle myself from my beautiful position on my bed and go outside. As a responsible older sister, it's my duty to make sure they don't destroy a city in their blissful ignorance.

When I get outside, I stop short. I see a city in ruins, smashed flat by a hideous green monster. The monster roars at me, showing its terrible teeth.

I roll my eyes at my brothers' miniature set. "Are you two making your little movies again?"

"Not so little anymore," Phineas boasts. "Last week, our website got a hundred and seventy-six million hits!"

I bounce up a bit on the balls of my feet. "I was one of those hits!" I announce proudly.

Phineas grins. "Aw, thanks sis. You're too good to us."

Mom barges into the backyard. "Sorry I'm late," she says. "They're filming down the street."

"Filming?" I ask. "What? What are they filming?"

"A movie version of the play, _The Princess Sensibilities_."

I make a face. I was going to be the school Drama Club this fall, until I found out they were performing _The Princess Sensibilities_. I mean, what a DRAG of a play. I understand it has meaning and symbolism and whatever, but YAWN. I already know that this is going to be a terrible movie.

"Hey," says Phineas, "Where's Perry?"

"I don't know," I say. "Wherever he always goes…" my mind wanders. Where does Perry go every day? What if he always goes to the same place? That could make a good story… a platypus with a secret…

My thoughts are interrupted by a coy, "Watcha doin'?"

"Hey, Isabella," says Phineas. "I think today we're gonna be big budget movie directors."

"Ooh! Can I be your agent?"

"Sure, why not?"

Before I know it, Isabella is making calls to movie producers all over. From the sound of it, every producer in the state suddenly wants Phineas and Ferb to direct their movie.

"How do you guys do it?" I ask.

"Do what?" says Phineas.

I sigh.

Isabella walks over to Phineas. "Hey Phineas," she gushes flirtatiously, "I got you and Ferb a directing job lined up for right now, just a few blocks from here."

"Already?" I cry. Nobody pays me any attention.

"Cool," says Phineas. "Let's go. Want to come with, Candace?"

"Sure," I agree. Then I frown. "Wait a sec… just a few blocks from here? The movie wouldn't happen to be _The Princess Sensibilities_, would it?"

"Yeah," Isabella confirms, "how did you know?"

"Yuck," I moan. "I don't know how even Phineas and Ferb could make THAT story interesting."

"Trust us, Candace," says Phineas. So I do.

When we get to where the filming stuff is all set up, there's a sense of tension. Maybe it's the people rushing around and talking on phones. Maybe it's just a sixth sense thing. Or maybe it's because a man is rushing toward us, his face etched with worry. "Phineas and Ferb," he says breathlessly, "I have bad news. Our lead actress just quit." The man frowns, clearly bracing himself for Phineas' disappointment.

Phineas shrugs. "Not a problem."

"Phineas," I hiss, "how is that not a problem?"

"Because YOU can do it, Candace!"

"Um, no I can't."

"Yes you can! You're a great actress!"

I count with my fingers for emphasis as I rattle off objections. "I don't know my lines, I don't like the play, I'm not pretty enough to be a movie actress, and in case you've forgotten, I HATE CAMERAS!"

Phineas looks at me with sparkling, innocent blue eyes, his lips forming a perfect little pout. He blinks sadly.

"Fine. I'll do it."

"Yay! You're the best sister ever."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

They immediately go to work picking out my costume: light blue glassy heels, a froofy blue gown with that weird tied-up-like-a-shoelace bodice you see on medieval ladies, a pearl necklace…. And a green monster mask.

"Phineas, I don't remember any monsters in _The Princess Sensibilities,_" I comment.

"We just finished the rewrites this morning."

"You didn't even have the job this morning."

Phineas ignores me. Why do people always ignore me? He shows me the new script. On top of the original title are the words "The Curse of," and below it is "Monster". "Sensibilities" is crossed out.

"The Curse of the Princess Monster? Well, THAT's certainly a radical change." I put my monster mask back on. "At least now no one will see my face."

"Until your dramatic scene at the end when the curse is lifted," Phineas adds. "Then EVERYONE will be looking at you."

The producer must have sensed my apprehension, because he quickly told me, "You will look STUNNING. This film could make you a STAR."

"A… star?" Little gold stars pop up in my pupils and grow until they block my vision, rendering me temporarily blind. I imagine myself in my own giant suite, typing fanfiction and having muffins brought to me by submissive servants while I flirt with Rupert Grint, who came to visit me to congratulate me on my latest solid gold acting trophy.

My daydream is interrupted by a call of, "Ugly monster! You're needed on the set!"

"I'm a beautiful monster!" I answer contrarily. "And I'll be there is just a second!" I try to run out the door, but my monster mask is too tall so it hits the top of the doorframe and falls off. "STUPID MASK!" I scream, jumping on it. Unfortunately, I'm not used to wearing heels. As I'm jumping I land wrong on my left foot, slip on my glassy-textured shoe, and fall down on the linoleum floor. "I HATE THIS JOB!" I yell. I put the mask under my arm, hang my shoes on my fingers, and stomp out of the changing room. I'll put my accessories back on when I get to the set.

When I get there, I find one of those tiny cities that they use to make someone look huge. On Phineas' urging, I step into the middle of the set. "Okay Candace," he tells me, "This is a very important scene. It is nothing less than the emotional backbone of the whole film. Oh, and the villagers are coming at you with everything they've got. ACTION."

Ferb starts throwing things at me. First a swarm of aluminum rockets fly at me, bouncing off my monster mask. Next comes a bunch of plastic toy airplanes. I put up my hands to protect myself. Finally, a pile of plumbing supplies are dumped on me. I sit up, rubbing my head. Ferb has a good arm. I'm glad I'm wearing this monster head.

"That's a print," Phineas crows.

A fireside girl whispers something in his ear.

"Oh… that's a little embarrassing." He takes the lens cover off of the camera.

"PHINEAS!" I scream, shaking with rage. I have to dig myself out of the rubble, which gives him a head start. But if not for that, I could've caught him. Of course, then he would be dead, and nobody wants that.

For the next scene, Phineas gives me a hat covered with bananas. I stare at him quizzically.

"We were trying to come up with some exciting camera angles for the chase scene," he explains, "So we strapped the camera onto this starving monkey."

The monkey hoots at me and gets ready to charge. My eyes narrow. I take off the hat and shove it on Phineas' head. Then I get out of the way. I do feel a little guilty watching Phineas being chased by a starving monkey. But it WAS his idea, after all. And it's not like the monkey manages to catch him before he thinks to take off the hat and throw it into the monkey's cage.

"Okay, so the monkey thing was a bad idea," Phineas admits after he catches his breathe. "Which is why we're doing it with Ferb this time!" Ferb straps the camera onto his head. "Now take this sandwich and remember, Ferb hasn't eaten lunch yet."

I scream as Ferb leaps at me and takes my sandwich. "You could have just asked for it, you know," I say as a push him off of me. "I would've just given you the sandwich."

I dust myself off and get ready for the next scene.

"Okay," says Phineas, "In this scene, the monster – that's you – gets attacked by eight hundred cubic feet of rats, spiders, and snakes."

"That's it Phineas, I will not stand for this anymore. Stop attacking me with things or I'll –"

"Relax, they're made out of rubber."

"Fine."

Just as the boxes of creatures are tipping their contents onto me I hear him add, "Well, the snakes are, anyway."

That time he only gets away from me because he climbed into the air duct. Why are little boys so darn small and agile?

Finally, it's the last scene. "Okay, Candace," Phineas whispers. "This is your beauty shot. The curse has been lifted, and you're no longer a monster."

"There will be no throwing, dumping or other painful attacks, correct?"

"Correct. Now, this scene is all about what the heart wants, but the mind can't have. Take one."

"To think. To dream. To be free of the curse. Whether 'tis nobler to-"

Ferb buries me in glitter, then almost kills me with a wind machine, then dumps plumbing supplies on my head for the second time that day.

I dig my way out of the plumbing supplies for the second time that day. "PHINEAS AND FERB YOU ARE GOING DOWN!"

"That's a wrap!" Phineas yells proudly.

In the editing room, we look at the rough cut. It's terrible. I try to put it as tactfully as possible. "That's terrible," I say. "You must be awful directors." I was just kidding about wanting to be tactful. Not hurting my brothers' feelings is low on my priorities list, since they hurt my body and my pride.

"That's what we call a rough cut," says an unperturbed Phineas. "Ferb's gonna fix it in editing. Tighten up the dialogue… do a little voice modulation… play with the filters… and now take a look."

We watch the edited version of the scene. I'm shocked. "I – I – I – I look like Ashley Tisdale," I monotone. "Guys, that's not even me."

"You didn't want people to see your face."

"Well I – okay, good point. Thanks guys!" I give them a big hug. All is forgiven.

Later, we stand in front of the movie theater. We're doing a sort of test showing. The theater is full of teenagers, and if they like it the movie will survive and play in movie theaters, making me a STAR! From inside the theater there come sounds of gasping and cheering.

"Those kids love it," says the producer.

"Yay!" I cheer.

Suddenly, there's a green flash, and grumpy old people pour out of the movie theater, grumbling about violence and loudness.

"Sorry, kids," says the producer. "They hated it. The movie's dead."

"Well, at least we had fun," says Phineas.

"But… but… I was going to be a star!" Disappointment overwhelms me.

"Don't worry, Candace," says Phineas. "We saved a copy of your best scenes. We're gonna put it on our website right away."

When we get back home, I run into my room and immediately see my copy of _Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince_. It's still open to the page where a left off. I've just settled down to read it when I hear Phineas calling, "Candace! Candace! Come here!"

I get up with a sigh. Responsible older sister to the rescue, I guess. "What do you want, Phineas?"

"We put the video on our website! Come see!"

"Okay, I'm coming!" I run into their room. The video is already playing.

_Phineas and Ferb Productions Presents: The Swamp Monster of Danville._

"Oh boy, this is going to be great," Phineas squeals.

The video is not from the movie. It's a video of me walking in on their project this morning. "Aaaaaarrrrrrrreeeeeeee yyyooooooooouuuuuuuuu twwwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooo ?" My face says in slow motion. The earth explodes.

"Woah," Phineas says happily. "Five million hits already! I bet everyone we know saw it! Enjoy it while it lasts Candace. Fame is fleeting."

"But the internet is forever," Ferb adds.

Phineas sees the look on my face. "Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today. RUN FOR OUR LIVES!"

This time, they don't get away.


	6. Raging Bully

Thank you for the reviews, guys! I love me some reviews! You know how I said I would fail miserably at my weekly update goal last time? Well turns out I was wrong! Got this one finished EARLY! I hope it seems as sweet to you that it felt to me when I was thinking of it. It definitely came out more choppy and rushed than I imagined, but hopefully you'll enjoy! And review!

\^0^/

I lie lazily on the couch, reading _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_. I'm out of fanfiction ideas and bored out of my mind. Even my brothers don't have a project they're working on. All there's left to do is read this boring novel.

Mom walks in. "Candace," she says politely, "My jazz trio has a gig and the Squat and Stitch today. Why don't you, Phineas, and Ferb hang out at the mall together?"

I immediately drop my book. "Sure. That sounds cool."

At the mall, Mom hands us some money. "Thank you!" I say with a smile. I may not be the most grateful daughter, but I can't be rude in the face of free money. "So, what do you want to do now?" I ask the boys.

"I was thinking we could conduct experiments about the melting rate of ice cream. Hey, where's Perry?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I guess we shouldn't have taken him to the mall. But he always finds his way home." My stomach growls. "What were you saying about ice cream?"

\^0^/

We buy an ice cream cone, and sit down at a table where our neighbor my brothers' age whose name I forget is immersed in a stack of textbooks. Ferb times how long it takes until part of the ice cream falls off onto the tabletop. He shows the stopwatch to Phineas. "Well, that was an interesting experiment," says Phineas. I can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not.

"Excuse me," the boy at the table with us inquires, "But why are you not studying?

"It's summer vacation," Phineas explains.

The boy blinks.

"You know, no school, when teachers aren't around and all you have to worry about are bullies?"

As if on cue, a young bully walks up and sits on the book-reading boy, knocks his books off the table, and steals his drink.

"Do you think that makes you look cool?" I ask in a cold, patronizing voice. "Because it doesn't. Bullying just shows off your raging immaturity and –"

Phineas talks over me, taking a more diplomatic approach. "Hey, Buford, that seat's kind of taken."

"This table's taken," Buford retorts. "Sit somewhere else."

"What about Baljeet?" Baljeet! That was his name!

"Please go," Baljeet whimpers. "You will just make him angrier."

I am about to lash out against the bully with physical force and criticism unbefitting a lady, when he jumps up, yelling. The rest of the ice cream from the cone Phineas is holding has fallen onto the Buford's lap.

Everyone in the food court laughs at him. I really don't understand this town. It's not that funny.

I'm just starting to calm down about the whole bullying thing when Buford hoists Phineas up by the front of the shirt and makes a fist. "This is going to hurt," he says.

"Oh yeah! Well THIS is going to hurt!" I yell. Forgetting one of my many personal rule for living, which is don't beat on ten year olds outside of the family, I kick Buford hard in the shin.

Swiftly, Buford tugs on my kicking foot, making me fall down backwards on the tile floor. I glare. The bully still hasn't dropped my brother. I climb gingerly to my feet.

"Put him down!" Isabella, who showed up out of nowhere, commands.

"Do as she says!" Baljeet adds helpfully. "Violence can only lead to more violence."

"And by violence," I say, making semi-sense, "he means me."

"I'm so scared," Buford mocks. I feel my cheeks burn with anger and a little humiliation. I'd never imagined myself bested by a ten-year-old, but I swear if he gives me a reason, I'll go in for a second try.

I don't have to wait long. The bully lifts his fist again. I grab him by the hair.

"Hold it!" says a man.

"World heavyweight boxing champion Evander Holyfield?" Isabella cries in astonishment.

"Aren't you a little OLD to be a professional boxer?" Phineas, who is still hanging by the front of his shirt, asks.

"Phineas!" I admonish.

"Yes, yes I am," Evander Holyfield answers, unperturbed.

"Cool," says Phineas.

"If you have to fight," the boxer tells them, "Do it the time-honored way, out behind the mall at three o'clock."

"Uh… Ferb! How's our three o' clock?"

"We're busy then," I answer, "practicing the art of _survival_, and maybe learning a lesson about _non-violence_ as well."

"I didn't ask you, Candace. I asked Ferb. Ferb?"

Ferb gives him a thumbs up.

"We'll be there!"

Buford throws Phineas to the ground. I give him my best death stare. "Don't be late," Buford says. "My mom's picking me up at four."

"We'll be there," Phineas says.

I walk over to Phineas and lift him to his feet. My face is set in a grim frown. "Come on Phineas, Ferb, let's go home."

Phineas brushes me off. "Looks like we've found something to do today."

"What you have found," the Baljeet exclaims, "is a one-way magic carpet ride to your own destruction." _Nice analogy,_ I think. _Much less clichéd than "one way ticket"_.

"He's right!" Isabella exclaims. "Remember what happened to the last kid Buford fought?" she has a flashback. I don't know what the flashback contains, but it from the expression on her face, it looks bad.

"Phineas, listen to your smart friend, the girl who… has your best interests in mind, and me, your sister who is smart AND has your best interests in mind," I plead.

"Yeah," says Isabella, "I don't want THAT to happen to YOU."

"It won't, 'cause I'm gonna train him," Evander Holyfield affirms.

"Actually it won't happen because Phineas isn't going." I pick him up by the back of his shirt. "Look, Phineas, I can hold you up with one hand," I say as my brother struggles. "There's no WAY you're going to win a fight against that brute."

Phineas finally manages to wriggle out of my grasp and hits the ground. "You didn't seem to have a problem beating me up yesterday."

"WOAH! 'Beat you up'? That was just a sibling-ly scuffle. I wasn't trying to actually hurt you. And besides, you totally deserved it!"

"Sorry, Candace. I have to do this. It's a manner of honor."

I groan, understanding. "Boys are so stupid."

\^0^/

While Phineas goes off to "train", I sit in the food court eating chocolate ice cream and sorting through the pictures on my phone. I'm too stressed to shop.

After about fifteen minutes, a fireside girl walks up to me and hands me a flier. "Brawl at the mall," she says shortly before moving on to give a flier to someone else.

"The brawl at the mall?" I mutter incredulously. _Oh, great. Now a bazillion people are going to be there to see him fail. Well, this was his idea. He'll have to face the consequences._ I feel sick.

I can't stand it anymore. I get up and go outside. Phineas and Ferb are building a giant boxing ring with power tools. "What do you two think you're doing?" I snap snappishly. Suddenly, I catch sight of myself on the already-mounted big screen. I shriek and run out of the view of the cameras. "As I was saying, what do you two think you're doing? You can't just build a mammoth boxing ring right in the middle of the mall parking lot!" I throw my hands up in the air. "That's it. You leave me no choice. I hate to do this but… I'm. Telling. Mom." I march off.

"Mom… mom…" I whisper, sticking my head through the curtains behind the stage. "You have to see what Phineas is doing. You have to come stop him. He's -"

"Not right now, Candace."

"But -"

"I said not right now!"

I withdraw back into the curtains. I check my watch. It's two minutes until three o' clock. I'm not sure whether it has to do with some idea that I could stop the brawl or some deep-seated desire not to miss it, but I run back to the parking lot.

I stop outside, panting heavily. The announcer has already started speaking. "He's from a bad home. He's missing a chromosome. Buford the Bully! And in this corner: He's got moves! He's got grace! His nose takes up his entire face! Fabulous Phineas Flynn! " I start running again. _I swear if that bully tries anything I'll pound him to kingdom come. Don't give me "a fair fight". Don't give me "honor". Don't give me "boys will be boys". I don't care if everyone's showed up to watch them fight. I swear…_ The announcer is once again speaking into his microphone. "Boys and girls, let's get ready to thumb wrestle!"

"WHAT?" I scream. I burst into the stadium, where Phineas and Buford are crouched over an official thumb wrestling mat. I walk up to the platform. "Phineas," I hiss. He's too far in the zone to hear me. "Phineas!" I say, louder this time.

"Not right now, Candace."

"What is this? This isn't a fight! This isn't even worth watching!"

The announcer rings a bell. "One! Two! Three! Four! I declare a thumb war!" The crowd yells.

"You're the one who wanted me to not fight," Phineas grunts between jabs of his thumb.

"Yeah, but- but- but- this is just lame!"

"So it's a good fight you want, is that it?"

"No!"

"Well then, what's the problem?"

"The problem is… is…" The problem is that I wanted to be the good guy, I wanted to break up the fight, I wanted to have something to hate and fear, I wanted to be a voice of reason in the midst of chaos. Or maybe I didn't really want these things, but just expected them. "You got me all worked up over nothing!" I cry. "I was so worried about you getting hurt!"

"Well, I'm sorry I couldn't justify your worry, but we do have young viewers."

"Young… Phineas! Did you just break the fourth wall?"

"…mebe."

"That's not even clever! It's just bad writing!"

"Maybe I was talking about the audience that's here in the stadium. And anyway, you blew it wide open by mentioning it."

"Ohh… I give up!"

Phineas is losing the thumb wrestling match. He takes a timeout. His trainer feeds him water. "I don't think this is going so well," he admits. I roll my eyes. Of course they would overdramatize this.

Phineas continues to do poorly, and something occurs to me. "Hey! I knew you couldn't beat Buford! I knew it!"

Phineas ignores me. Sweat pours down his face.

"Oh the humanity!" the announcer cries. "Flynn falls hard! The crowd's on its feet! It's over! It's all over!" Buford steps forward to squash Phineas with his thumb for the final time.

Suddenly, ice cream falls out of the sky onto Phineas' head.

Buford laughs. "Ha! Ice cream fell on you! Ahaha! Now we're both humiliated in public!"_ What's so humiliating about ice cream? _ I wonder. "What do you say? Even Steven?" He holds out his hand.

"Sure Buford. Even Steven." Phineas shakes Buford's hand. They both smile. At that moment, a bond of friendship is formed.

"Boys are so stupid," I mutter.


	7. Candace Loses Her Head

A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Life has been happening. You know how it is. Oh, and heads up: I'm going to change my goal to monthly updates for the next two months, and then it'll be back to weekly and I know I'll be able to do it because life will get less hectic at that point. Oh, and another heads up: this chapter sucks just a itty-bitty bit. I was too lazy to expand upon it. I'm sure you'll love it anyway, you overly-accepting bubbles of compliments. :)

\^o^/

I wake up to the sound and smell of a platypus chattering in my face.

"Ten more minutes," I mumble, rolling over.

"Kkkkkk."

"I said ten mowmmmimm-mm," I say, lapsing into incoherence in my exhaustion.

"Kkkkk."

"Oh, that's right! It's my birthday!" I sit up and pat the platypus on the head. "Thanks for reminding me, Perry!"

Downstairs, I see my brothers and stepdad at the table eating generic white mush.

"Happy birthday, Candace," my mom says, bringing a heaping plate of pancakes over from the counter. "I made you a special breakfast!"

I stare at the pancakes. "So, I get enough pancakes to feed a family, and you guys get nondescript lumpy white material?"

"Exactly!" Mom says.

I consider that for a second. "…do I have to eat ALL those pancakes?

\^o^/

Thirty minutes later, we're in the car. My parents have a special surprise for me, and we have to drive to it. I'm excited, by reluctant to get my hopes up: after all, it could be a totally lame surprise.

"I hope this surprise won't be like the one _last year_," I mutter pointedly to my brothers. Phineas shrugs sheepishly. Ferb blinks.

It's when we drive past a sign that says "Mount Rushmore" that I begin to suspect the surprise was lame after all. "Please tell me we're just driving through Mount Rushmore National Park on our way to something else."

"Isn't it great?" Mom crows. "Four American presidents carved into the side of a mountain."

I do a headdesk with a desk that mysteriously appeared.

"It was Phineas and Ferb's idea," Dad explains. I squint at the boys. "Is that so..." Now I'm starting to wonder if something else is up.

"You're welcome," says Phineas.

\^o^/

As soon as we get out of the car, Mom takes me to the gift shop, which I suppose is better than staring at a rock all day.

"Okay, Candace, it's your birthday. You can pick out anything you want." Mom tells me.

I look around and immediately notice an Abraham Lincoln plush doll. "Oooooh!" I squeal. "Look at this Abraham Lincoln! HE'S SO CUTE!"

"Is that what you're getting?" Mom asks.

"I'm not sure yet. I-" I suddenly notice that Jeremy Johnson is working at the concessions stand. "Okay, this is getting creepy."

"What's getting creepy dear?" says my mom absently as she examines a Mount Rushmore snow globe.

"Nothing. Hey look big sticks! As in, speak softly and carry a big stick! _I_ speak softly!"

"Use your inside voice," Mom scolds.

I glance out the window and notice Phineas and Ferb walking by with power tools. _Hmm…_ I think. _I wonder what they're up to._

I'm about to sneak outside and look when Isabella and the Fireside Girls approach us.

"Hi, Mrs. Fletcher. Hi Candace," Isabella greets us civilly.

"Oh, hi, Isabella," Mom answers in a slightly condescending tone. "What brings you girls here?"

"Fireside Girls field trip. Um, is Phineas here?"

"Yeah!" I answer eagerly. "He's outside '_looking at'_" – I give her a meaningful look – "Mount Rushmore. Come on, I'll help you find him."

Phineas isn't hard to find. "Oh, there he is!" I say, pointing him out. "He and Ferb are climbing the monu- CLIMBING THE MONUMENT? WHAT ARE THOSE BOYS UP TO?"

I march up as close to the mountain as I'm allowed to go. "Phineas!" I holler. He doesn't hear me. "HEY! PHINEAS!"

"Oh, hi, Candace!" Phineas yells back, lowering himself precariously on a rope. I shudder. If I was up there I would _not_ have the nerve to hang upside-down like that.

Isabella starts walking up to the cliff face.

"Hey, Isabella," I call after her, "weren't you wearing your Fireside Girls uniform a second ago?"

She doesn't answer as she walks away, but I'm pretty sure I see her shrug.

"HEY, PHINEAS!" I scream.

"What is it, Candace?" Phineas asks after quickly descending down the cliff face and appearing a few feet away from me.

"Can I help you with whatever you're doing?"

"Uh… no."

"What? Why not?"

He shrugs.

"Is it because I'm a wimpy girl?"

"No."

"Is it because it's dangerous?"

"No."

"I know what it is. You don't like me."

"Now you're just being silly."

Something else occurs to me. What if it's supposed to be a surprise? It's my birthday, after all. I sigh resignedly. "I'll just go back to the gift shop," I say, trudging back down the stairs.

\^o^/

At the gift shop, I buy a set of Mount Rushmore bobble heads. I didn't think I wanted them at first, but they're just so irresistible.

By the time I'm finished choosing a souvenir and purchasing it with Mom's money, it's been about five minutes. Knowing my brothers, that's plenty of time for them to finish… whatever it is.

I leave the gift shop and I immediately see it. "What the –" I mutter before dashing up the stairs. "Phineas! Ferb!" I yell, leaning over the railing. "Why did you put a cloth over the edge of Mount Rushmore? And more importantly, where did you get a cloth that size?"

"At Giant Cloths Emporium," Phineas responds, "but that doesn't matter right now. Check _this_ out!" He pulls a rope and the cloth falls to the ground to reveal… a very distorted looking carving of my face.

"No offense, bros, but that's not your best work," I admit reluctantly.

Phineas looks up the mountain. "Oops!" he chuckles. Ferb hits a rock on the ground with a mallet, and somehow that makes part of my ugly rock face to fall away, leaving behind a perfect likeness.

"It's beautiful!" I exclaim, astonished. Throwing regulations to the wind, I make my way up to the monument and give my brothers strangle-hugs.

"We were a bit worried," Phineas says with what little air I'm allowing him, "What with you hating pictures and all."

"This isn't a picture," I clarify. "This is true art and it will stay here forever and ever until the end of time."

Of course I had to jinx it. At that moment, the carving of my face breaks out in big, red zits of –

"LAVA!" I scream, running for my life.

Undeterred, the boys roast hot dogs over the molten rock as if cascades down the mountain.

Thankfully, the lava instantly solidifies when boiling-hot geyser water erupts over it. I decide not to question it.

The boys join me in the place where I was just cowering, far away from the volcanic flow. "Did you like your birthday present?" Phineas asks.

"Well," I concede, "It was definitely better than the gorilla in the cake."


	8. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

I got bored, so I'm discontinuing this story. Many thanks to my faithful readers (all five of you!). Normally I hate when a writer stops a story in the middle, but since each of my chapters is a separate story, I'm not leaving you hanging, so I figure I'm okay. Plus, there's a part of me that's hoping you all will complain a bunch, giving me the gratification of knowing you love my writing. People are kind of sick that way. I also do the complain-about-my-weight-to-a-slightly-heavier-friend thing. The funny thing is, that's one of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to human nature. I kind of remind myself of Holden Caulfield, complaining about phonies and being one himself.

You know what else bugs me? People who get completely off topic.

Anyway…

Sorry.


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